Who's in our Tribe: Widening the Circle in Columbia
USA
It was a tiny airport. Sure, I’ve been to little airports internationally to get to one of the least travelled countries in the world, for aerial views to stand at the edge of Vanuatu’s active volcano or for the many twists and turns in travel. Aside from the speedy SOPs, they also usually have a bit of character on display. I didn’t see many of the cute little details on my way into the SC airport, but I noticed them like a kid in an aquarium on my way out!
This was a weekend for a few of us cousins to connect. I must admit, I’ve always been a bit nostalgic, jelly and probably too utopic when I think of those who have regular facetime (literally and virtually) with extended family. I wondered about the notions of family ties and how that seems to have shifted somewhat. Of course, coloured by culture, distance, the strength of bonds, expectation and emphasis, I find it fascinating to see how some are glued while unfortunately, others have gaps that seem too gargantuan.
Who is in our inner circle and how did they get there? A slow and steady blossom like a seedling that gently emerges from the ground up, or perhaps like a raffle ticket that surprisingly takes home the precious prize - I wondered what triggers us to tug on and take to the people that are most closest to us.
In spite of its wider applicability to the West and middle class echelons, Dunbar’s theory suggests that we (cognitively) sustain five in our inner tribe, 15 good friends, 50 friends, 150 contacts and 1500 whom we can recognize, “where the number of friends in a layer increases as the emotional closeness decreases”. Drawing on data from phone records of six billion calls, it’s interesting and intuitive that these figures are somewhat skewed in societies where capitalism is depressed and culture is elevated - particularly those with an emphasis on family and community ties.
So when a whimsical chat hinted at a check-in with a crew who were a part of my circles, I circled the dates that would make this manifest. What I loved about these siblings was their no-nonsense ways. After childhood our in person meet ups have been sparse, but each time there is one, laughter, levity, lingering closeness and love flows freely. So, instead of landing in Europe for some Olympic action, or another exotic experience up close with wildlife, instead, I hopped planes and haggled layovers to arrive in state of South Carolina.
While we waited for the last to land, we wasted no time to start the gastronomic tour. Barbeque pulled chicken, pecan fried chicken breast, blackened shrimp, pimento cheese grits, yam pie, collards and other low country famous dishes were devoured as quickly as the stories poured out. From the local treats to cultured cuisine, there was constant food for the belly yes, but more so, for the soul.
Within a few bites, we were at the meat of the matter. There’s some people with whom the pleasantries promptly move out to enable the protagonists of the real stories to take their place. Finding and honouring close connections like this felt like sliding into favourite slippers, coffee in hand … with a comfy couch and compassionate convo beckoning.
How do we distill down to the details in our lives that are vital? For some interactions, these require a drill (that may be more likely to find oil than friendships) while in others, the chatter bubbles and blurts out life experiences which have made us bleed, benefit and/or become the person we are now.
Columbia’s small town feel oozes. At least through centre town, soon the landmarks become recognizable. We hit up art museums, ice creameries and the farmer’s market where it seemed the entire city (and their dogs) came to stroll and shop. From berries and grits to arts and fairy lights, this was clearly a highlight.
Riverwalk Park offered lovely views where light was both the star and the supporting actor. I’m a real fan of how this pans out to offer a plethora of perspectives. Suddenly, arches became more than architectural structures, they’re also a magical pathway that could lead us into a delightful destiny. After all, this ball of light 150 million kilometers away from us is the ultimate giver. The famous sufi poem illustrates this so eloquently when it says: “Even after all this time the Sun never says to the Earth, ‘you owe me’. Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky”.
The long fields of wheat against the setting sun required a separate photoshoot. I’m always in awe at how the Creator’s art varies. From subtle sweet spots to stunning scenes that take your breath away, there’s no shortage of footage to film.
The night brought its own opportunity for bonding in Charleston. As if we boarded a time machine, some play in the arcades gave a nod to games from back in the day. Fired up, we hit the dance parties within this college city. The sticky floors, douch-douch-douch vibrations and the DJ who frequently sprayed water soon guided us towards other types of music acts.
We wandered into the dimly lit jazz bar that gave off a vibe between hipster and throwback. Yet the real thing to write home about was the local lads who gave us a good show.
Over some delicious meals, topics from eons ago gave way to centre stage. It seemed obvious that these precious opportunities ought to be harnessed, and yet, don’t we all have a story to be told of folks relegating reunions, sometimes even until it’s too late?
There is something to be said about in person connects where co-created convos can coax out critters in the caves of our being. Spontaneous and unsolicited, I felt grateful for the chance to get closer to this tribe, even if (or perhaps especially since) vulnerability and authenticity were at play - and of course, there was games night!
I rolled the carry on through the doors, turning around to wave goodbye, hoping that it wouldn’t be years again until we’d make another one happen. Savouring these special times, I strolled through the terminal. The little library open for provision or acceptance of a donation made me smile. I wished I could have made (good) use of the piano, but instead, sat with my hot cup of chai and wondered why rocking chairs like these weren’t featured at all airports. After all, they seem to be the epitome of walking down memory lane.
For those in our circles, be they with whom we share our genes or gravitations, there’s something soulful in securing some space to spend time, energy and emotion. Perhaps our present day is making me more myopic in who that includes, since surely, widening it over the weekend was wonder-full!
May we initiate and accept the invitations for catalyzing connections whether its for those in our intimate inner circle or a few rungs out,